just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
