piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
