Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
