My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
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I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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