i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
