My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
