I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
