he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
