My liver just broke up with me...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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