Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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