It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
