I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
