I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
nutella sex= disaster
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
