We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
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i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
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