i was born a porn star she said
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
