you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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