I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
