If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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