Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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