She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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