if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
