She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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