the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Randomize
