I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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