It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
God, I missed his penis.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
