Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
