That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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