Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
