so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
