did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
