my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
