my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
