Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
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I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
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The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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