One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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