i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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