my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
