Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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