stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
