literally had 100 drinks last night.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
