I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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