Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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