My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
you made out with another girl for some wings
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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