I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
