If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
