I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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