somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
