GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
