now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize