just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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