At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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