My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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