i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
