I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
