So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
