I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
