Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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