I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
MIDGETS
????
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
