Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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