Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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